Ikiru
by Emiri-chan the GREAT
Summary: Heero is breaking down. The battles are coming hard and fast, and his past, his stoic coldness, and his feelings for Relena are clashing. Can he survive if wants to end the war...by any means necessary? Non-Shounen Ai, 01xR


**Ikiru  
**  
"Well, thank you for coming, you guys," she told them. 

"No problem. All work and no play makes for a very dull Duo, you know."

"You just call us again if you want some company." Quatre smiled at her as she waved to them from the door, heading for the large metal gate just outside the lush foliage that was the courtyard.

The garden was overflowing with flowers from the spring rains that had fallen in the past few months. Now that the sun was shining brightly and the sky was blue, it was as though an endless cascade of vivid colors and scintillating scents had suddenly appeared in the courtyard. Its beauty was not something that the princess of the Sanc Kingdom could bring herself to enjoy alone, so she had decided to call on her companions. And of course, the first ones in her mind who needed some beauty and joy in their lives more than anyone were the Gundam pilots.

The picnic had been a short one; there was much to do for the four men when they returned home. They agreed to spare some time to see Relena, for the girl was as kind as she was beautiful, with a youthful face, sapphire-blue eyes and waistlength honey-blond hair. More than once she had assisted them in their efforts to stop the war, and had even sacrificed herself to the Romefeller foundation and Oz to end it. 

Fortunately that had been stopped later on, but the war remained. 

The Gundam pilots had had their hands full in the past month, going so far as to head out on a supposed suicide mission where three of them where almost killed. The enemies had been harsh, and the zero system had taken its toll, especially on Heero. After his recovery he'd refused to stop working; even now he was setting up plans and documents for the next mission back at the warehouse the Gundam pilots called home. It was a hiding place as well as a storage area for the Gundams, and for the past few months they had been living and working there together. Everywhere one looked there was nothing but grey asphalt and metal walls. Now it was almost a tragedy to have to leave this breathtaking place as they stepped into the road.

"Thank you for inviting us, Miss Relena," Quatre called.

"You're welcome."

"Yeah, sorry we can't come more often," said Duo, flipping his braid behind him. 

"Oh, Duo?"

The violet-eyed boy turned around blankly.

"How is Heero doing?" Relena asked him, biting her lip. I can't help but worry, ever since the last mission. I know the last few weeks have been hard for him."

"Oh, he still the same," Duo said laughingly. "Still rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off, still worried about his next _mis-sion_," he said jokingly, making quotation marks with his hands. "I wouldn't worry too much. You could always come see him, you know."

Shinigami cocked his head to one side as a sad expression came over Relena's features. She half smiled at him. "No, he doesn't need me there...I don't..." She cleared her throat and smiled wider. "I don't want to get in the way again."

Duo stared at her. "In the way...?"

"Well, I'll see you all later, okay Duo?"

"...Yeah. 'Bye," he said uncertainly.  
_  
She wants to see him. I see it in her eyes...She misses him. But she won't go see him because she thinks she'll bother him?   
_Duo sighed. _This is so confusing it's making my head hurt. Not to mention crazy. Well...I guess crazy isn't that unbelievable anymore. That's what love can do to a person.  
_  
~~~~~~~~~~

"Come ON. You have a mission, Heero", he told himself angrily, sweat running down his back as he wiped his face. "Focus!"

Tuning up the Wing was becoming a real chore. The delicate repairs to the interior took great concentration, and right now that was looking utterly impossible for the zero-one pilot. He'd tried to force himself into work mode, tried to focus his mind, and he wasn't succeeding. Everything he looked at was reminding him of something else in his life, and despite all his effort, there was nothing he could do. Heero's thoughts were wandering into dangerous territory, and if he didn't go where they were taking him then he'd never get to work on the Wing Zero. 

The dark-haired pilot replaced the tools on their tray and lowered his bare legs over the side of the two-story mobile suit platform. His eyes were vacant.  
_  
Relena..._

Why? Why do I get that feeling when I think of you?

I'm a highly-trained soldier. I'm the pilot of Gundam zero-one. I've been working on missions for as long as I can remember: ambushes, undercover infiltration, stealth operations... So many things. So many that they almost blend into each other.

But you...  
  
Heero sighed, eyes closing. 

_You change me. Everything else just seems so meaningless when you're here. I can't focus on missions and battles. I can't force myself to look away...._

...I can't know emotion, did you know that? It's strange, isn't it? I say that I do, but...well, I don't. I can't. You... feel. You know what it is to be human...I want to feel...What's wrong with me?

Relena...Can you tell me...how it feels to...be?  
  
"Hey! Heero!"

The pilot jerked in surprise, almost falling off the ledge. He swung one arm up and grabbed the railing just before he slid off the side. Duo looked up at him, blinking as Heero hung suspended over a two story drop. He grinned sheepishly as the man glared at him, then pulled himself back up onto the platform.

"What is it?" he snapped as Duo made his way up the stairs. "I've got things to do. Hurry up and tell me so you can leave."

Duo's eyes narrowed, his hands balling into fists. "Knock it off. I've got a message from Relena and I think you need to hear it."

Heero stiffened, his gaze fixed on the braided pilot. His eyes were slits of blue flame as he caught the tone in the other boy's voice. 

"In case you weren't aware, she invited us to visit her today. _All _of us," he said pointedly. "Relena told me to say hi to you for her... She sends her love."

The dark-haired pilot stood up and turned away, heading for the stairwell. "Tell her not to," he said bitterly. "I have no use for it."

That got him.  
_  
"_Heero, you turn around and face meright now."_  
_  
No reply.

"Damn it, Heero, that girl _loves you_. She's putting herself through hell and back! Do you know what she told me, Heero? She told me she didn't want to come and see you because she didn't want to **bother you. **Relena loves you so much she's willing to sacrifice her personal feelings for what you want."

The pilot of zero-one had long since stopped walking away. 

"You've got to at least acknowledge her, Heero. " Duo's voice was shimmering with anger. "You've totally abused her, and I don't have to sit here and stand for that!"

It seemed as though someone had glued Heero's already leaden feet to the floor. His shoulders were slumped forward.

"She's always acting like everything is perfectly alright, but her heart is broken. You obviously don't have a heart, so you don't know what that's like, you selfish, unfeeling **jerk**."

Heero stiffened, pulling up short. 

That was it. 

Those were the words he had been looking for all this time. Those words... They cut deep. And they cut because they were the truth. They were right. They were _right_. It was a perfect description of what he was. 

Heero wasn't a soldier. Even soldiers have emotions. 

He was a shadow.  
  
"Heero, for God's sake look at me!" 

Suddenly he grabbed the back of the frozen man's shirt, whirled him around to face him--and pulled up in shock as he saw what he had missed about the pilot when he was farther away.

Heero's eyes were dark, as though he hadn't slept in weeks, and his face was ashen. But the most surprising was the expression he wore. Heero, the perfect soldier, now looked as if he felt like screaming. His eyes were more filled with anguish and desperation now, then anger at being pulled about. 

Duo was utterly at a loss. "Heero, I--I--"

Heero shortly and abruptly punched the Shinigami pilot square in the face, making him stagger. The pilot stayed where he'd stopped his punch, fist extended as Duo fell back against the platform. The pilot looked up as Heero put a hand on his cheek and tilted his head up to him.

"Do you have any idea," Heero said slowly, "what it's like to have to wake up each morning and spend each sleepless night with nothing but an empty shell of a human being that's filled with a worthless shadow? Do you know what it's like to want to feel and live and be someone like everyone else and hate them because they don't know what they have? Do you know what it's like not being able to _cry?_"

Duo stared at Heero's dark features in horror as he let him drop to the ground. All he could do was watch as the man walked slowly and evenly toward the stairs. Because now, the only thing he saw when he looked at his friend was a broken, tortured, saddened soul who was going through the worst of his times. 

~~~~~~~~~~

  
  
  
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Hi! I'm back. I will try to get more 'Pay Attention, Class' up  
but if I didn't do at least one chapter of this I was going to croak.

This is my favorite one out of all the ones I've done so far. It's already written, but I'm editing and retyping, so if you want me to post more, or post more faster, you're gonna hafta review. This is my first and only Gundam Winger so far, so PLEEZE tell me whatcha think. My Princess Mononoke fic will follow, but first I'm gonna edit, 'cause I like to reuse ideas, and I do it in almost all of my fics. Bear with me as I try to fix this, 'kay?

And for those of you who like Heero, Ashitaka, and Kenshin babying, I'm sure you'll keep reading. Hee hee...  
^_^X  
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